An ode damning the health service

 

THIS from a recent British Medical Journal, reported also in the newspapers.

“The complete lack of specialist care in England for patients with severe myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME or chronic fatigue syndrome) could cause deaths in future unless urgent action is taken, a coroner has warned.

“The hard hitting prevention of future deaths (PFD) report by assistant coroner Deborah Archer on the death of Maeve Boothby O’Neill, 27, also highlighted the lack of research funding, training, and guidelines on treating the condition.”

The truth is that ME and other conditions such as EDS (Hypermobility Ehlers Danlos Syndrome)

are not widely understood by doctors who shrug and say: “Nothing to be done”.

That’s my family’s experience. It came as complete sur prise to me. Until that moment I had faith in the health service.  No longer, especially in respect of chronic illness.

And so to my latest Blog, which refrains from peppering this piece with the profane remarks it deserved.   

Rant!!!!!

AN ODE DAMNING HEALTH PROVIDERS

Who’s that going up and down the stairs?

Who’s that going up and down the stairs?

It’s the carers.

It’s the carers.

Who is that behind the closed bedroom door?

Who is that behind the closed bedroom door?

It’s their daughter.

It’s their daughter.

Room bound many years

They thought it was ME to begin with. It may still be ME.  But it is certainly EDS – a faulty gene causing weak connective tissue – the stuff that  holds muscles, bones, holds all organs together - making movement painful and sometimes impossible;  no known cure.

POTS – (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia) sudden movement causes surge in heart rate and corresponding drop in blood pressure resulting in giddiness.

It’s their daughter.

Who is also considered to be autistic.

Praise be for Kings College Hospital, London.

Praise be for Royal Orthopaedic Hospital, Stanmore.

For their thorough and exhaustive tests

For their diagnosis of POTS and EDS.

Cursed be Surrey and Borders Partnership  mental health services.

For turning down her doctor’s referral.

Damn your eyes.

Cursed be the NHS at large, for choosing to remain largely ignorant of these conditions, in some cases doctors disputing them; and for their failure to press GPs to automatically provide rudimentary health checks which would also boost morale.

Instead, they say “nothing to be done” - when there is much that can be done to manage symptoms. 

Who is that going up and down the stairs?

Who is that going up and down the stairs?

It’s the carers.

It’s the carers.

Carrying food, medicine, vitamins, water…morning, noon, late into the night.

It’s the carers.

Carrying Complan, carrot juice, heat wraps.

It’s the carers.

It’s the carers

Drawing the curtains

Raising the blinds.

Emptying the commode.

It’s the carers.

It’s the carers.

Taking care of the one lying in bed up upstairs.

Morning, noon and late into each and every night – for over 5 years now.

To sit with her at bedtime.

In her confusion.

Holding hands.

Their daughter.

Their daughter.

In her drawer, the university degree, key to a different life.

It’s their daughter.

It’s their daughter.

Lying still in her bed wearing sound deadening headphones,

in a silent room in a house which must remain quiet, the TV muted or sound turned off.

In the early years, over two decades ago, our doctor surmised it was “ME”, saying to the 12 year-old: Nothing to be done!

He said that to a child!  A life sentence.

He could have offered to look up a specialist for us to refer to. He did nothing. We had to do our own research and we discovered a world of self-help, about how to manage symptoms, how to oblige the school to arrange home education.

He simply shrugged. 

This doctor died recently. I held back from adding something to the book of condolences in the surgery. Didn’t want to offend his family.

More recently another doctor, from the same stable, angrily told us that having to mute the TV

 was ridiculous. You should not put up with that. (This guy, I may yet swing for him, as the saying going).

So no friends to visit, unable to do so for many  years:

No visitors to the house. No social contact. Never goes out. No Christmas. No holidays for many years, no meals out for years and years.

Plagued by sensory issues; sight – people move too fast; sound – too loud, clink of plates deafening; her anxieties - off the scale.

Once a vibrant personality, now speaks little, subdued. Beaten down.

It’s their daughter.

It’s their daughter.

thousands like her.

Thousands like her.

Isolated…disregarded…off the NHS radar.

Who’s that going up and down stairs?

Who’s that going up and down the stairs?

Not the doctor.

Not the doctor.

Who’s that ill behind the door?

Who’s that ill behind the door?

Five years and counting

No one they care about.

No one they care for.

To those in the NHS who either do nothing, or do very little to help, who never seek to ask how this is impacting upon the family brought to breaking point – damn your eyes.

To the Mental Health services – damn your eyes.

 

As for carers...

Every waking hour of every day for the last five years we have been on constant alert, for the ‘ding’ of a text from our daughter’s mobile!

“Caregiver burnout is a state of profound mental and physical exhaustion, especially common in parents of autistic children. It arises when the constant demands of caregiving—managing meltdowns, sensory overloads, and advocating for support—drain their energy. Over time, neglecting their own needs leaves caregivers emotionally overwhelmed and trapped in guilt and frustration, which diminishes their ability to provide care and affects their mental health, relationships, and overall quality of life.— (Tony Attwood, Clinical Psychologist).

*The rhyming and repetitive nature of this piece draws for its inspiration two comic sources; ironically!:

The song by the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain, which ran thus: “What’s that coming over the hill? What’s that coming over the hill? It’s the monster. It’s the monster”;  repeating itself.

And secondly, to Private Eye who, in 1972, gave away a spoof record – a priceless political satire - purporting to be that of Prime Minister Ted Heath singing about the Miners’ strike; “Oh the miners want more pay, damn their eyes; the miners want more pay, damn their eyes.”

 

 

Why Roglic's Vuelta win left me cold

 

MY interest in the Tour of Spain evaporated on that fearsome mountain top finish a few days from the end, when Grand Tour super star Primus Roglic took back the race leader’s red jersey from Aussie Ben O’Connor.

And I switched off the tv and  made a cuppa.

How come?

Well, I had taken a dislike to Roglic the year before, when he lost the Vuelta to his worthy teammate, the American Sepp Kuss, the domestique who found himself in the lead in the early stages of the race and surprised and delighted us all by defending like a true champion to take the greatest win of his career.

Except his team mates Roglic and Vinnegard, the designated t eam leaders, took exception to their “servant” upstaging them and attacked him for two solid days on the trot. To no avail.

Kuss held firm. The team then rallied to support him and he became a most deserving Vuelta champion a few days later.

Although Vinnegard appeared to accept this, and looked genuinely pleased for Kuss, Roglic could barely conceal his discomfort. He had the look of a man who feels entitled. I don’t like that.

On an earlier mountain stage in this year’s Vuelta Roglic opted to change to a bike with lower gears. In chasing back to the peloton he and two  teammates took pace from their team car, and did so for longer than the commissaire thought was right and proper.

Justice was done, however, in that the time Roglic took back from O’Connor was wiped out by the time penalty imposed for taking shelter behind the car!

Roglic has now four times won the Vuelta.

As for O’Connor, he finished a proud second on the podium in Madrid on Sunday and said that to him second place felt like win.

Good for you, Ben.  You rode like a champion.

 

 

Can Labour fulfill their promise to build Active Travel network?

 

FEW can have missed that historic recent announcement, stating that Labour is to invest unprecedented levels of funding to build cycling networks?

The designers of Royce Road junction, Manchester
one of the few in Britain to incorporate traffic light controlled
crossings for cyclists and pedestrians

.                      

After decades of hollow promises from previous governments, the new transport secretary Louise Haigh has promised a properly funded Active Travel network.  It takes the breath away!

But will it happen?

When Labour won the General Election in the summer they inherited an economy trashed by the outgoing Conservatives, according to the financial experts.

As a result, says Labour, they have already had to cut back on spending, notably and controversially on the fuel allowance, to try and balance the books. So will they have the necessary £billions for cycling?

Besides, we should wait until cycling experts have examined the proposals before we get carried away with enthusiasm.

Nevertheless, this is what I had hoped for from Labour, since their landslide victory in this year’s General Election consigned the gobshite Conservative government to oblivion.

Too strong a word,  gobshites?

Oh, I don’t think so, because they have left us in the shit, literally, with our rivers and streams and coastal waters now polluted with raw sewage.  This is courtesy of the water companies created by the Conservatives when they sold off the utilities decades ago. It followed that the newly created water companies would prioritise dividend payments to investors over maintaining infrastructure. So, Gobshites, all of them. Dam their eyes.

But back to cycling.

No government, Conservative nor Labour, has ever put up the £billions necessary to fund the creation of a national cycling policy.

But I do recall a couple of landmark decisions these past 30 years, which have provided cycling with a leg up.

I refer to Labour creating Cycling England - some 20 years ago - with a £5m first handout which led to the development of “cycling towns”.

 That investment was to put flesh on the so called National Cycling Transport policy launched typically without any money by the Conservatives in 1996.

And Cycling England did wonders with the little money they were given by Labour (£5m to start with, increasing a little each year).  This raised cycling’s profile in some 27 towns and cities over a number of years with small but nonetheless effective schemes – a cycle lane here and there – covered cycling parking for a school in one town, provision of hire bikes in another.

Each small scheme proved that if you provide for cycling, people will cycle.

Sadly, Cycling England was shut down by the gobshites when they came back to power some years later.

They did redeem themselves somewhat with the creation of the Active Travel Policy, which has seen the appointment of Olympic champion Chris Boardman as commissioner in 2022.  But they only did this because of relentless pressure over the years from Cycling UK and other campaign groups.

But again, it was all smoke and mirrors, for the funding provided was never going to be enough to meet the government’s own target to increase cycling and walking.

It was the sort of trick the Conservatives routinely pulled. They announce grand schemes, such as the 40 new hospitals promised by Boris Johnson, and make speeches of cycling along “sun dappled” cycle lanes but without any meaningful funding to see them through.  

In was quite deliberate, to create the impression things were being done when nothing much was being done at all.

Haigh pointed out the strange anomaly that exists; whereas a transport charity Sustrans has created and maintains the 12,700 miles long National Cycle Network (NCN) – a mix of traffic-free paths and quiet roads winding about the land - and yet governments run the national road and rail networks.

It’s worth adding that the NCN, created by visionary John Grimshaw, was intended also as a catalyst for networks to be built in the towns and cities it passed through.  This has never been achieved.

Haigh told The Guardian we are in a climate crisis and a public health crisis. Getting people walking and cycling is essential to solving both those issues.

It is utterly essential to develop a national integrated transport policy, she said.

It has taken over 50 years of often frustrated campaigning to get to this.

What next?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Private Eye on the British Cycling-Shell deal

You can always count on satirical magazine Private Eye to expose embarrassing issues businesses might want to keep quiet.

In this case it is British Cycling under investigation (Eye issue 1630, August 16-29). Specifically the story is the ongoing controversy about their controversial eight-year sponsorship deal with Shell, the oil giant which continues to invest heavily extracting fossil fuels despite science warning this will further contribute to climate change.

The Eye reported that the campaign group Extinction Rebellion had asked cycling’s Olympic hero Chris Boardman to lobby BC to drop its Shell sponsorship, when they protested at the National Cycling Centre on the eve of the Paris Olympic in July.

Protesters carried placards declaring: “Shell lie, Cyclists die” and “Chris, Hate Shell”.

The BC-Shell deal caused a furore among BC members, and led to resignations.

The Eye reminds us how in 2022, Shell UK offered the “green” sport an eight-year partnership, claiming the deal “would help British Cycling ‘accelerate’ its journey to net zero”, the supposed point at which climate change might stabilise if we cut back on using oil.

But how Shell imagined that would improve their image when they were set to invest a further £46bn in fossil fuels by 2030 is anyone’s guess, the report said.

Whatever Shell was investing in green policies was far outweighed by the £Billions they were spending on oil extraction, environmental groups claimed.

In past blogs I have commented on how the oil Industry has also invested heavily in PR campaigns to discredit the science on climate change, despite their own scientific research 70 years ago informing them that burning fossil fuels would lead to the present scenario.

It’s all tied into growth economics, of course, allowing us earthlings to press on regardless burning oil and speeding towards our own destruction. Once the money starts rolling in – or medals – we cannot stop!

Remember the DuPont story also discussed here recently, covering the story of how the American chemical giant knew early on that the shit they created to make Teflon and other water resistant products would eventually poison everyone on the planet exposing us all to potentially life-threatening illnesses.

Just as the oil industry carried on regardless, so too did DuPont, polishing their “green” credentials by sponsoring bike racing.  There was money to be made.

And British Cycling’s excuse?

Well, clearly they needed a big spender like oil rich Shell to bankroll their expanding organisation and maintain their winning ways.

Ever since the days of Sky funding which turned BC into the top UK sports organisation funding demanded they adopt an insatiable quest for international success and specifically for Olympic gold.  They fear failure to deliver will lead to loss of income and redundancies. In some ways success has become a millstone around their neck.

But the pressure is mounting on British Cycling.

The  Eye reports that besides Shell’s sponsorship, BC has also received £10m in funding from UK Sport who have warned them that the Shell “hook up” is a “reputational risk” for them all.

Since then BC has waded further into polluted waters, signing a funding deal with Lloyds Bank, themselves under attack from activists for funding fossil fuel and arms companies.

All hail Tadecaj Pogacar - cue 'haters'

 

The Giro-Tour double winner, wonder boy, Slovenia’s TADEJ POGACAR, astounded us all when he completed the famous Grand Tour double this summer, victory in both the Giro d’Italia and Le Tour de France. This feat has been accomplished by only a handful of the greats, the last time by sporting legend, the late Marco Pantani of Italy in 1998.

And before him, Ireland’s Stephen Roche in 1987; while the greatest of them all; Belgium’s Eddy Merckx did so three times during his reign. In the women’s Grand Tours, the Netherland’s Annemiek  van Vleutin completed the Giro-Tour double in 2022.

Tadej Pogacar with Giro trophy.

Pogaca, 25, held us spellbound by his attacks.  His instantaneous acceleration- as if fired like a missile from the leading group, soaring away in the mountains of Italy and of France. Although his valiant rivals in Le Tour, Denmark’s Jonas Vinegaard and Belgium’s Remco Evenepoel spiritedly matched his attacks for a while, they lacked the firepower to take him on and would fall minutes behind by the end.

He killed them. There was no one to touch him. It was like a first cat riding with thirds. He won six stages in each Tour.

It was a thrilling display, day after day and I was gripped. This was superb entertainment: and then on the fourth day, a voice deep inside me, said, Whoa!

There is no denying he is a special athlete. But where does he get such strength.  We often joke about what the stars have for breakfast. What does Pog have for his breakfast? Let's take a light hearted look. The pictures below may offer a clue.

"She's had her Weetabix", goes the add, comic TV commercial portraying a youngster  hooking a submarine on her line, suggesting their cereal gives  you great strength.  So does Pog have his Weetabix?              

Or is it more likely he eats the Balkan bread, below, ironically named Pogaca! Folklore has it  mothers bake this for their men when making long journeys and facing lots of challenges.

And yet, unsurprisingly and inevitably, his high pace has raised eyebrows and prompted talk on the online news channels. The following, quoted from Velo:

“Tadej Pogačar (UAE Emirates) is facing insinuations of “technological fraud.”

Velo refer to a report in Swiss newspaper Le Temps which said some riders in the peloton, speaking off the record, suspect some teams are using “motor-doping.”

They claim they are hearing “strange” noises in the rear hubs of bikes used by leading riders in a number of teams.

Pogačar pushed back against new suspicions that his insurmountable lead is ill-gotten, said Velo.

“I don’t know. We don’t hear any noise,” a bewildered Pogačar told journalists. “We don’t use anything illegal. It’s all Campagnolo materials … I don’t know what to say.”

 

The UCI clearly believe that electric motors are being used by some in the peloton. Whether that was during Le Tour I don’t know.

The technology exists. It is out there, perhaps hiding in bottom brackets here and there.  They first came to light when a female cyclo-cross rider was caught using one some years ago.

So now, as well as testing for urine and blood anomalies, they are scanning bikes for any signal that may betray electric trickery.

Pog has called the accusers “haters”.

 Yet, when we saw him fly up those steep ramps breaking records set by past riders who are known to have doped, were you among those who cried out, its as if he had a motor! But we didn’t really mean it. Did we? It was meant as a compliment.  It was just a reaction to seeing something few us of witnessed before. No one has ever ridden like that, have they?

Pog responded by declaring the sport has moved on from the bad days when cheating was rife, this was new science, greater understanding of training methods and diet, better bikes, better equipment, it is this that has made the difference.

Much is also said of his immense natural physical ability.

And if you watch that footage again, those flights up and over the peaks, the body language was different to riders on electric assist bikes. Assisted riders are hardly putting any effort in, there is no body movement, or very litttle, Admittably, they are just ordinary mortals.

Pog, by contrast, was thrashing the pedals in a whirl, his body though looking relaxed, was bent to the task.

So no motor, in my opinion.

We read that riders nutritional needs are now individually catered for, prepared according to the objectives day to day.

In the bad old days, being “prepared” often meant being built up on a diet of questionable substances.

No longer, the new younger riders say, the sport is a lot cleaner. 

As for supplements and medicines, there has always been a need to sustain a rider’s health to boost immune systems which take a hit in a long season. We know that riders have always had to remain wary of using over the counter medicines which may contain banned substances, however miniscule.

Supplements can be a minefield.. One such judged safe to use is Creatine, produced naturally in the body and also manufactured and available over the counter.  Creatine can enhance performance - but to acceptable levels. It once came under scrutiny but was passed OK.

Unlike the rocket fuel, the blood booster EPO which was widely used and is banned.

Its tricky business looking after an athlete.

Sadly sport’s legacy – especially that of cycling - has been tied up with doping for over 100 years, and it's not easy to overlook that.

We need only go back to 1998 and the Festina Team drugs affair which rocked Le Tour and shook cycling to its roots.

Ironically, the year 1998 was the year of Pog’s birth. It was also a milestone in cycling history.  The very same year that Marco Pantani scored his Giro-Tour double, a troubled but likeable man, known to dope but revered in Italy to this day.

1998 was the year doping scandal came close to killing our sport.

It began when Willy Voet the Festina team soigneur was on his way to the start of the 98 tour.  He was stopped by police at a small Franco-Belg border with a team car full of drugs: Cocaine, amphetamines, EPO, heroin.

The shit hit the fan. Festina was kicked out of the Tour. We would learn how French heartthrob

Richard Virenque kept a fridge full of EPO.

Voet wrote a book (Breaking the chain) in which the clear inference was doping was rife.

The sport went very quiet. I do not recall any backlash from other teams to Voet’s book.

The Tour was horrified, proclaiming they had no idea.

Then came 1999 and the Le Tour said this is the “Tour of Redemption”.

We so wanted to believe. 

Especially as the young American, recently recovered from cancer, Lance Armstrong went on to win the Tour. All hail Lance, cancer survivor, clean tour winner. It was a fantasy and I for one swallowed it.

And the miracle man, the sport’s saviour, went on to “win” another six Tours, one after the other, seven in total, an absolute record.

But the “haters” were already at it. And I chose not to believe any of them I believed in HIM!

Well, thank you, Lance, baby.

I went on ITV lunchtime news the day of his seventh victory to be asked, is there anything in these stories about Armstrong doping?

No, no. I don’t believe so, I said. He was a cancer survivor, a remarkable athlete, a man raising money for cancer sufferers, feted all over the world.

On the podium at his seventh victory in Paris, he said he felt sorry for those who could not believe.

And he smirked for the cameras.

Then a host of whistle-blowers blew him apart.

They began to speak out, to accuse him. And then he finally dropped the bombshell on American talk show host Oprah Winfrey's show, who asked him. "Have you doped?" 

Yes, he said, he had doped all along.  He was on EPO, rocket fuel.

Not just him, but his team, too. Many in the Peloton were on stuff, he claimed. That's why he decided to take EPO.  The whole sporting world was rocked to the core.

So, you see, Pog, that guy, Armstrong ruined it all.

I thought I will never be able to trust anyone again.

They say the sport is much cleaner now. Right!

We hope so.

But you know what; I’m a sucker for feel good stories.  And your electrifying performances these last few years, and especially in 2024, making you a three time Tour winner, thrilled us to the core.

As for Jonas Vingegaard, winner in 2022 and 2023 when he beat you, this year you relegated him to second overall.

Mind you it must be remembered; Vingegaard’s serious crash in the Basque tour earlier this year meant he came to this year’s Tour with limited preparation. Yet until the final week he looked as if he might succeed, even snatching a mountain top stage win from Pog.

 

And then there is Remco Evenepoel, 24, making his debut in this Tour.  The World TT champion and now Olympic TT champion in Paris last week, he rose to the challenge.

He won a stage and the white jersey of best young rider before taking third overall.  

“Pog, he’s from another planet,” said Remco. He had no regrets, was proud of his podium placing.

To go back to the beginning. So, Pog, what are you on?

What is the secret of your diet?

Here’s a funny thing. I looked up the name Pogacar, to see what might be revealed. As it happens I also discovered that there is a Balkan bread – yeast free – which goes by the name of Pogaca, a very similar spelling with just the letter “r” missing at the end.

According to Hungarian folklore, mothers would bake a loaf of Pogaca for their sons to take on a long journey of many challenges.

So, you’re secret is out, Pog.

It’s not Weetabix providing fire power, it’s bread.

You are just using your loaf.

 

 

 

Why no marshals visible on side roads at UK championship?

 

Guardian Angels once again provide safe passage for a major British cycle road race. I refer to Sunday’s (23^rd) British Cycling national road race championship at Saltburn in North Yorkshire won by Ethan Hayter (INEOS) with a late lone attack from his two breakaway companions. I was watching the event on Discovery Channel.

I couldn’t help but notice that once again, no marshals were visible on many side roads; nothing to stop a vehicle from being driven out onto the course which I presume is run under the otherwise excellent police escort rolling road closure system.

I apologise if I am mistaken, but I cannot image how it is  Spanish tv coverage of the Tour of Spain picked up a marshal on every junction viewed, and British camera's on home races here missed doing so! We couldn't see them because in  many cases static marshals simply were not deployed.

Besides, I was told years ago when I noticed this, that that rolling road closure provides all the security needed. I beg to differ.

They sweep by, pausing at side roads if cars are present to instruct drivers to wait. Presumably they are trusting drivers to decide when it is safe to continue. But what if there is a chasing group bearing down a few minutes later?

I have seen such a group pass unguarded junctions well after their escort has flown through. All it takes is for a car to turn up after the cop has gone.  And the chasing group is unsighted on a bend seconds away bearing down on what they think is a secured road!

This has been the case with the annual Tour of Britain. I think it was last year’s event when it was run at the same time as the Tour of Spain and this enabled me to switch between TV channels to watch both at once.

And I couldn’t help but notice that on the Spanish race marshals were visible on every side turning shown on the TV; or if no marshal, there was a rope or cones across the junction.

This contrasted sharply with the British event.  Although side roads in towns were covered, there was no one on several side roads in the open country.

So, either angels are watching, or Black Magic is at work, and vehicles approaching said junctions find their motors cut out and they roll to a halt until the race has gone by.

Meanwhile…..

MEANWHILE, the General Election looms on July 4.  Thankfully, the European Footy Cup, tennis and from this weekend, Le Tour de France, will happily provide distraction.

And then there are always the Television challenge shows, such as The Chase, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Pointless, and Mastermind.  

The  General Election, widely expected to be a most glorious funeral for Rishi Sunak and the disgraced Conservative party now dead on its feet after 10 years of fucking up our lives, will result, so everyone seems so sure about,  in Keir Starmer’s Labour party forming a new government and the Liberals becoming the new opposition party.

Unless, horror upon horrors, that grinning oaf Nigel Farage and his Reform party spring a nasty surprise?

Afterall, 17 million voters swallowed his lies promising a better life if they voted for Britain to leave the EU in 2016!

This column is supposed to be about cycling, and so without further ado, let us see what those tireless campaigners for Cyclists Rights, Cycling UK, are doing on the run up to July 4?

Their call strives to be heard above the noise of the traffic and remains unchanged – “cycling needs to become a major transport initiative”.

The response also remains unchanged for so far successive governments have turned a deaf ear.

And given the cost of living crisis, the NHS continuing to fall apart, the threat posed by climate change few want to face up to, the wars in Europe and Gaza, transport issues here barely register on the radar. It seems the big thing on our minds right now – but not mine - is European Cup Fever.

Spoiler alert: Look away now if you do not want to see the result of the European Cup final brought to us thanks to Dr Who taking a short trip into the future to reveal the following news: England 4 – Tory Party 0.

This means that Gareth Southgate becomes the new Prime Minister and his England team form the Cabinet. I imagine that Wembley will become the new seat of government.

CYCLING UK has announced 50 routes suitable for “all the family” and they ask us all to lobby our local candidates to “speak up for cycling.”

Over to Gareth.

On a different planet

 

I’ll be sorry when our neighbour and his family leave town.

Where are you going? I said.

Back home, to Sirius, he said.

Pardon? I said.

Are you serious?

Is that a pun? He said. 

Oh, how funny...No, purely unintentional, I assure you, I said.

Sirius – that’s 8.6 million light years distant, I said.

Yes, we dart back and forth, he said.

You better come in, he said. I owe you an explanation.  I know you will understand.

There followed an absorbing hour during which I learned that our neighbour was in fact from another galaxy. I’m a hybrid, he explained.  Your weather, the air, doesn’t suit all of us. My family has begun to suffer. As for your politics!!!! You’re always fighting wars.

I asked him, why come here in the first place?

Well, we like to travel, he said. We have mining rights on what you call your moon, and your place was handy to visit when taking time off.

Are there others like you? I said.

Oh, yes, tens of thousands. We’ve been here for thousands of years. Your governments are fully aware.

We’re everywhere. The entire staff of Waitrose, or “partners” they call them, they’re all hybrid.  Even sport. Exceptional in endurance sports due to having two hearts and enormous lungs.

 A few are pro cyclists. I can think of one in particular, leaves everyone behind when he attacks. His name escapes me.

Many of the Grand Tour winners were/are hybrids, as is the entire Norwegian cross-country skiing team.

How come you look very similar to us, if rather tall, I said. 

Pure chance, he said. Your people call us the “Tall Whites”. But we’re not all that tall.

Let me ask you, I said. Why has all this been kept a secret?

Ah, well, the truth is your governments, including religious leaders wanted to tell everyone years ago, in the 1950s.

But the Federation of Galaxies forbid it. You are not ready for this. There would be a great social unrest, even revolution. I mean, in the UK alone there were 17 million who voted for Britain to leave the EU – which demonstrated a very poor grasp of reality.

There are thick people like that all over your planet.

And it isn’t for the Federation of Galaxies to tell you the Truth, although it is out there in one form or another, for those who look for it. You have been prodded often enough. The carefully crafted films and sci-fi novels, for instance.

But otherwise, our policy is of non-interference with another planet’s evolvement, he said.

So although you are here, it’s not an invasion? I said.

Oh, no. We’re not into using force. Besides, imagine the supply lines? He said. The cost of assuming control. Much better to let you children of the universe muddle along.

Oh, we’ve helped you along the way. All this new technology that has been rushed in over the past 70 years. From Velcro to Smartphones, all your IT stuff.

But not weapons systems or anti-gravity drive propulsion…Too advanced. We are after all 50,000 years ahead of you.

It would be a bit like giving Christopher Columbus the plans on how to build a Trident nuclear submarine, saying, go on, Chris, build a couple of those.

No chance.

We did interfere a little. Stopped the Cold War for instance. Demonstrated we can shut down

your nuclear missile capabilities if necessary.

Your tinkering with atomic power is worrying because setting those fireworks off would have ramifications far beyond Earth. The ripple effect would knock worm holes out of kilter for a start, sending us to, say Venus, instead of here. And you don’t want to go to Venus, take my word for it.

So don’t you worry your little heads about Putin’s military chiefs who have threatened the UK with nuclear-inspired Biblical type flood to drown you all. 

Exploding a nuclear device in the Atlantic.  Voila. Huge tsunami, so high it would race across the entire breadth of England and Wales at 500kph drowning everyone and radiating the land for 100s of years.

He knows we won’t let that happen, while we are still here.

What do you mean, while you are still here?

We're all going. Two years and we'll be gone.

That's about the time when rising sea levels will begin to take back the land.

Southern hemisphere will take a really bit hit first, and the millions of displaced people will head north, to Europe. You'll have a lot of new neighbours camping in your gardens.

Let's face it, you've will never change your polluting ways which have led to climate change.

Truth is, you're fucked. So were out of here. Waitrose will feel the brunt of it first, no staff. We're flying them out in the first wave.

Oh, dear, I said.

So will you tell the other neighbours who you are, I said, getting back to basics.

No, no. You may, if you like!  They won’t believe you. We’ll tell them we’ve gone to Bristol, he said.

Have you finished you new novel, I said.

Yes, it’s called “Life, the universe and the end of dreams” He said.

 Inspired by Douglas Adams, author of the marvellous book,  “Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy”.

Very funny? Not bad – Adams knew. I think he may have been one of ours. He was pretty close. Touched a nerve back home, I can tell you.

We'll let you know when were off. We'll have a farewell drink down the pub, he said.

I'll look forward to it, I said.