THE SMART LIFE

 

 

The smart life

 

The EDF engineer came to install Smart meters. All good, he said, when finished.

Just one thing, he said.  Because of a glitch at HQ no readings will be taken until next week probably. So I’ve booked it in for an engineer to come out and make the necessary adjustments to your meters so they link up.

If you don’t hear anything call this number and he indicated a number on the document he left me.

After two weeks I called EDF to enquire when an engineer would come out.

EDF advisor said OK, first though I need the account number.

Now your full name and address and post code

And email.

Now, I need you to give me the GU number.

What is that? I say.

It’s the oojarkerpiff registration nonsense ref:

It’s on the meter he says.

OK, I’m looking at the electric meter which is in our cellar office but I can’t see the GU number.

It could me on the gas meter, he says.  Can you go the gas meter?
It’s outside the house I say.

I’m on my mobile so I can take you with me, I say.  Mind your head on that beam.

OK, we are now going across the lounge. I am opening the front door.

Oh, bother, I’ve no shoes on.

Buggar, stocking feet on the patio.

Right, I’m at the gas meter now, I say, treading on something slippery.

But there are folded garden chairs leaning on the gas meter cupboard. Bear with me while I remove them.

 OK, he says.

Right, I say, I am now opening the hatch to the gas meter. It is has lots of numbers on it.

But no GU number, I say.

I need the GU number, he says.

How about one of the numbers on the bar code, I say…

Can you take a photo of the meter and send it to me, he asks.

No, I say. That means I’d disconnect from you and lose you, I say.

I can’t handle these devices.

I know he says, they are too clever by half.

Give me the bar code, he says.

Here it is, I say. 00-07-81-D7-00-04-90-22.

He reads it back: 00-08-….

No, I say.

It’s 00-07.

Thanks, he says. Then it goes 09-66…

No, I say.

It takes us three more goes to get it right.

OK, says. 00-07-81-D7-00-04-90-22.

Correct, I say.

Do we have to do all this, I say. You have my account number…my address, all the info; you know the new meters were installed, why you need GU number.

I need it to authorise the authority for them to authorise the request for an engineer, he says.

It makes no sense, I say.

Can you now do the same from the electricity meter, he says.

OK, we are now going all the way back into the house.

Across lounge,

Down the steps into the cellar.

Mind that beam, I say.

I remember, he says.

We’re here, I say.

Here is the bar code. There are in fact two bar codes.

Which one do you want?

Doesn’t matter, he says.

OK, here’s one of them, I say.

00-09-44-87-D9-00-60009-24.

He reads it back.

Is that it, I say.

~That’s it, he says.

I will send you an email today with the booking details.

I say, Well, let me tell you what you need to do now.  Go and make yourself a cup of tea and sit yourself down in a quiet corner.

Cos that’s what I need to do.

He laughs.

I laugh.

We hang up and I go outside of the house.

I open my mouth TO SCREAM…………..    but nothing comes out.

Three days later still no email from EDF!

I phone them up………………….