The Micro Ride

Fed up with reading about those long, long cycle tours indulged in by those with all the time in the bleeding world? Thought so.  Welcome to the micro training ride which as it so happens is now especially suited to the current plague restrictions.


In  fact the Micro predates this and is designed for those of us who, for one reason or many several, simply ain’t got the time for those 5 hour bashes – or even a two-hour thrash…

Not that I’m resentful of those able to go out all day or for weeks on end.  No, no, no, no.  Not me.  No, I’m certainly not envious of those lucky bastards.


Try this for size. Kicks off at 8am and I’ll be back indoors before I know it, calves and ham strings stretched and having a coffee by 9.


Here we go. Leave the house to quickly join the High Street  to exit the town a mile further on at the Big Cock – the quirky silver cockerel statue on the roundabout.

Hardly any traffic because of the lock down. It’s all so quiet.

I hear the soft beat of a Jay’s wings overhead. Normally it’s thundering motoring hell.

All quiet these day.


Straight on here, heading east on the A25, following the line of the lovely Downs rising to 600 feet on the left. On the left also note the town cemetery hard by the road, last resting place of former acquaintance Pete Allen. Pete, author of the Malcolm Birdseed Blog, an eccentric character with a weird and risqué view of market town life,  turning real local news inside out. Ribald comments a plenty.

He introduced us to electric sheep pants, much sought after by farmers for their flocks in winter.

(Birdseed is still accessible on the web. Check him out, for Pete)


We’d laugh fit to burst. Anything could start us off.  

RIP, Pete.


Over the railway bridge and sharp left, down Pixham Lane, parallel now with the railway where last year I was thrilled to see the Royal Scot loco steaming through on a special.


It was on this stretch of track in 1901, railway history recalls,  that the driver of Queen Victoria’s funeral train caused a stir by taking the curve far too fast – to the consternation of all aboard.
Her Majesty may have stirred but was  not shaken.


Houses on the left. Ease off for the traffic lights controlling a narrow section under an arched railway bridge. Not the same track, this one goes east - west, the other one north - south.

Playing fields on the left.  We’re approaching another roundabout, this one graced with the magnificent steel sculpture of two racing cyclists. Sculptor Heather Burrell has captured beautifully the athletic image of riders going full out.  This classic work was  erected in honour of the 2012 Olympic road races which rocketed through here. Sight of this always stirs my heart.


Left turn onto  a dual carriageway and  up a slight rise to cross over the railway bridge (the north-south track) followed by the corresponding drop to pass under another railway bridge (the east-west track).

Then up a gradual rise of some 300 metres which would make for an excellent road race finish, past houses with driveways, thence to the Big Cock and the completion of the first lap.


Where left again. On that first circuit we checked out places  on the left. Now we focus on the right.

First up is Tesco Express, dead opposite the cemetery (Hi, Pete, me again).

I ride down to Tesco Express now and again, whenever we suddenly find ourselves short of some vital thing, like mustard, or small bottle of brandy. It’s open till late.

I imagine most people using the shop are doing so for the same reason – not necessarily for mustard or brandy of course; but you never know.

 Because everyone is always moving at express speed, hurrying in there and hurrying out.  They’ve been out all day and suddenly realised they’ve nothing in.


On we go, over taking the young woman in bright yellow top running along the pavement.  Forgot to mention her on the first lap.

Left down Pixham Lane, through the traffic lights which give me the green for a change.  On the right the gates to the sewage farm. I imagine on warm sunny days people of no fixed awareness  enjoying a picnic, sitting out along the grassy banks of the filter beds.

Just ahead, another cyclist. Stay well back, mindful of the two metre rule.


Two metre rule? Clearly invented by Remainers. Leavers would prefer it to be 6 foot six.

On we go, saluting the Olympic Games sculpture now radiant in the low morning sunlight, up and over the bridge, under the next one.

And up to the Cock.
Two laps done.

Time for a third. 


Nothing has changed: all quiet in the cemetery. The rushers at Tesco have been brought up short...they’re in the queue outside, Remainers observing the two metre, Leavers the six foot six.

Eight minutes later, we’re back at The Cock, where right turn to retrace through the town for two laps of the one-way system.


West along the High Street now. Notable places of interest: all the empty coffee shops and bordered up shops, plus Sainsbury’s is open;  into the one-way system along South Street and passed posh Waitrose; further along we pass a new funeral parlour advertising money back if not satisfied. Past Antonio’s sandwich shop (Chow, Antonio – he’s a lovely chap, from Naples).

Past another funeral home, then hard right back into town. Wickes on the left, then Lidl – always think of the Quickstep team.


Then past the wonderfully named “Sliding Door Warehouse”!  I swear it hasn’t moved an inch during the 30 years I’ve lived in this town.

Traffic lights. Turn right into lovely narrow West Street featuring 15^th and 16^th century buildings.

We just need a coach and four to complete the scene, riders on Old Ordinaries.

This is now known as the “Antiques and Museum Quarter” and is on the Olympic road race route.

Nice windows for checking position.


Three pubs:

The Star (Green King) - no television - a tiny pub with a big heart, famous for introducing  pub panto such as Jack and the Beanstalk and film nights;  

The Old House (Youngs) – no Sky sports here, thank you.  But there is a wardrobe in the corner. If you push the coats aside there is a door in the panelling which leads to Narnia. So they tell customers, probably after eight pints of best;

The 14^th century King’s Arms (Shepherd Neame) - Sky Sports here thank you.

And not forgetting Head for the Hills bike shop and Mike’s Models.


In 300 metres pass Victoria’s Little Bra Shop window display (pulse quickens) making a right turn at Pump Corner to complete the first lap. Round we go again to complete a second lap. We start the third lap but time marches on and so in 200 metres right turn then left into the car park backing on to cottages. That’s it. Dismount, unlock the secret gate in the fence.

Home.

I an rejuvenated. It proves the saying, however little time you may have, ride the bike, ride the bike, ride the bike.

8.4 miles; 36 minutes;  calories 291; altitude 15.5m; average speed 14mph; Max 25mph.

Allez.