Saturday 7 September 2019

Council inspectors to monitor Velolife cafe!





I learn in Cycling Weekly this week that the Royal Borough of Windsor and Maidenhead are to post council inspectors to monitor cycling behaviour at Velolife Café, in their ongoing and absurd bid to stop “cyclist meets” there – whatever constitutes such a meet; the council cannot explain this even to themselves and say they don't want to stop cyclists going there!
But if riders should do whatever it is the council say they shouldn't be doing - appear to be meeting -  the café will be in breach of planning rules and the owner could face legal action.

The real reason for the council’s shit behaviour of course is to pacify nearby residents who have apparently complained cyclists are a nuisance. One complaint was that they have impeded a local resident's access to reach his home via a driveway customers  cross to reach the café.   You would think that could be cleared up by advising customers  to keep the drive clear.

But when a council inspector denied that cyclists were a “visual disturbance” and lowered the tone of the area it would seem there is more to this than story than meets the eye and we can only presume that someone had said that they were.

It was encouraging that the council quashed that viewpoint but confusing they have persisted in their harassment of the café owner and cycling clubs over a condition in the planning rules they cannot explain adequately, making matters worse by the threat of legal action against the café owner.


Thanks to crowdfunding, Velolife Café has received over £18,000 in donations to help pay for their defence, if this goes to court.

In the meantime, the inspectors are moving in for teas and a slice. And to spy on the pedalling customers.

Where will it all end?

Could we see a park and ride scheme being set up down the road in either direction of the café - near Reading - to spare the residents the nuisance of witnessing the arrival of cyclists on bikes.

Cyclists would be required to leave their bikes in the park and ride area and board closed prison vans loaned from a security company, one rider per cell. I don’t know how many each van will take, eight riders, maybe?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Parked ready to ride
 Anyway, in this way they could arrive at the café unseen, exit the vans and

go directly into a covered walkway, like those connecting aircraft to terminal buildings.

These arrangements will, at a stroke, spare the residents from a “visual disturbance” of seeing riders in funny, gaily coloured cycling garb. And spare them the racket of all those freewheels, not to mention the horror of overhearing laughter and merry chat.

Once inside the café, inspectors, wearing jack boots and black shirts bearing some sort of insignia will be tasked to determine whether the cyclists are in a “meeting”.

Two cyclists together OK. Three or more…that could constitute a planned meeting! Break it up.

But how to prevent this in the first place? 

Easy.

First of all, cyclists shoud only be allowed at the counter one or two at a time.

They must sit only in pairs at tables shielded on both sides by high-sided screens so they cannot see adjacent tables. In the style of voting booths.

An inspector will monitor each pair to see they do not exchange result sheets or race programmes - which may be interpreted as a meeting of some sort -  and that they only speak in whispers.

Hopefully, this will all be sorted before October 31 when, in the event of a No Deal Brexit things might take a sinister turn.

According to the latest Private Eye, the army are set to take over running local council services because local civil servants will be pressed into service by Whitehall to help deal with the chaos and disruption expected as we leave the EU.

Best to see Royal Borough’s operation as a dry run in public control if Nigel Farage’s Brexshit Party win the general election and impose martial law.

Tea and a slice, please. No sugar.






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