THIS morning, the government is to pass a new law which will forbid cycling campaign groups from criticising their dismal funding record of cycling.

Members of campaign groups who break the law which will be effective from 11.59 today will face a custodial sentence and made to ride to their deaths on an indoor velodrome.

This follows the outcry which followed last week’s Treasury announcement of record low levels of investment in the government’s own Walking and Cycling Strategy.  The strategy called for

a minimum annual investment of £500m – or £10 per head of population (in England) outside of London.

Instead, the treasury shocked the cycling world when it announced £300m spread across four centuries which amounted to a reduction funding per head of population to less than 1 penny per head.

To counter this, the chancellor said he would make up the difference by bringing back the turnpike to English roads, whereby cyclists would be have to pay as they passed a toll gate.

The toll gates are to be installed every three miles on main roads, and on every road into and out of each town.

Bridleways will also see toll booths installed, just in case the mountain bikers thought they could get off scot free.  

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